The Battle Never Fought
by AgentMcCullers
Summary: What goes through Paige's mind after she finds the rat in her locker and she misses school? What we didn't see in 5x07.


When the alarm clock went off everything came rushing back to her. She loved Emily more than anything in the world so when she asked her to tell her the names she knew she eventually was going to do it. But she hesitated. The only feeling that could compare with the love she felt for Emily was maybe the hatred she felt for Alison and both had something in common. She was trying her hardest not to feel either of them.

Her love for Emily always won and she always ended up giving her whatever she asked for.

Paige had never thought she could get a girl like Emily. Paige had never thought anyone would ever want to be with her. She got her dream girl. She lost her twice. She felt she was always losing her.

The alarm clock rang again. The rat fell out of her locker again. Did she do the right thing? She stared at the ceiling, a knot in her stomach and the weight of the world on her chest.

She decided it was best to face everything; she got up and commenced her morning routine. She went to the bathroom to take a shower, and she could hear herself screaming again. Maybe she should take the day off, she thought to herself. She sat on her bed, staring at the wall. "Come on McCullers, it won't be so bad, you've faced worst", which wasn't a lie, but she found it hard to believe it herself. She felt courage again and looked at the clock "Oh, well. No time to shower now". She got dressed; she tried to pick something that would make her feel strong and comfortable. Jeans, plaid shirt and a jacket. Blue or black? Long sleeves or short? Army or leather? Sneakers or boots? She felt like she was dressing for battle. She imagined herself running and fighting but she wasn't sure against or from what. Against or from whom. She chose fast. Blue, long, army, sneakers and she was dressed.

Breakfast time. The breakfast of a swimmer. She was used to having for breakfast what any other girl her age would eat in two days. Swimming would do that to you, take everything you have. She loved swimming and everything that came with it. The large meals, the muscles burning, the feeling that she could accomplish anything, she loved how she could actually see herself getting better each time. She learned to love the sting in the eyes from the chlorine, she learned to love getting up before the sun to get more pool time; hell, she even learned to love the pressure her dad put her under. Swimming took everything she got, she worked really hard and she got results she could see.

Only it wasn't swimming anymore what occupied her mind. It wasn't swimming what she gave everything to. It was a girl, the most beautiful girl she'd ever seen. Emily sat again in the bench next to her. Paige forgot how to breathe again.

She sat in the kitchen stool, her stomach closed, she couldn't eat a single thing. She looked at her watch "Oh, it's too late for first period anyway, I'll go to second. It's better that way anyway, I don't have to see everybody arriving and I won't run into anyone I don't want to see".

She knew she had to eat something if she didn't want to pass out in the pool. She made herself some toast with butter and jelly. She ate it slowly. She stared at her phone. The wall. The counter. The food. Her watch. The clock. The floor. She could only focus on her thoughts. She finally finished eating and went to brush her teeth. While she brushed she looked at herself in the mirror trying to think of a good reason to go to school. It was always the same one. She looked at herself feeling her strength leave. "Maybe I'll feel better if I put some make up on". As she started applying eyeliner she could see herself walking the halls of Rosewood High, she was feeling very good about her outfit, her hair didn't look half bad and she knew eyeliner could fix anything.

What was she so afraid of? Other teenage girls? She could take them. She was strong and smart and fast. She knew how to defend herself, especially when she was angry, she was sorry for the poor fool who dared stand in her way when she was angry. She had nothing to be afraid of, if anything, people should be afraid of her. So with that thought she grabbed her bag, her keys and set for the door.

As soon as her hand touched the door knob all the nerves came rushing back to her and she felt the nausea overcome her. She dropped everything and ran to the bathroom. She couldn't keep her breakfast down. She looked at herself in the mirror again, her makeup smudged. Who was she trying to fool? It was too much. She couldn't do it. She only wanted to help Emily and now half the school was against her. And the other half? Well, that was the Alison half.

She couldn't stomach the thought that people thought she did anything to protect Alison and her half-assed apologies. How could Emily be so blind? Maybe Emily is just that good. Seeing the best in everybody. "Is that why she was with me? She could see through all the bad? No. No. I'm nothing like that girl." She kept staring at herself in the mirror, biting the inside of her lip. "Fuck it".

She walked with determination, went outside and taking off her clothes as she walked, she dived into the pool in only her underwear. Water always cleared her head. She went from one side to the pool to the other without coming out for air, she only came out when she felt dizzy. It was a beautiful day. Clear blue skies, sun shining. Clouds on her mind and shadows on her heart. And she dived again. She just swam trying not to think of anything. But she was stuck on a loop. "I lost Emily trying to protect her, she got mad because she thought I was trying to hurt Alison. I thought that if I helped Alison she'd realized that was never my intention. I didn't get Emily back and I only created trouble for myself. Now people think I'm untrustworthy and I'm afraid of what they'll do to me next. And I didn't get Emily back."

The sun was on top of her when she decided to get out of the pool. She picked up her clothes as the walked back inside the house. She was going to take a shower that day after all. She turned the water on and discarded her wet underwear on the floor. When she saw the steam coming out she stepped inside the shower, letting the water rinse the chlorine and her worries. Her mind was blank for a minute. She tried to sort out what was happening and why.

Emily, it all went back to Emily, over and over again. Paige washed her hair, she had thought of going to the store and smelling all the shampoos to try to guess Emily's. That was too much even for Paige. But she missed her; she missed her smell, touching her soft skin, kissing her... She stopped herself before it went too far.

The shower left her feeling better, less sad, less heavy. She put on shorts and a big t-shirt and sat down at her desk. She didn't go to school that day but that didn't mean she didn't have school work to do. She got everything out, books, notes, pens, pencils, erasers, post-its, markers, highlighters and set herself to do some math problems. Then Science, History, English… Time flew by. "I'm not bad at this, I can actually do this".

She was feeling confident. She took out a big notepad and decided to write good things. Things she did well, things she had going on for her. She wasn't much for making this kind of thing but today she needed it. She needed someone to tell her everything was going to turn out just fine, and she was going to have to be her own someone.

She chose a green pen and started to write things in columns in the yellow paper. "Swimming". Of course that was the first thing. "I can drive pretty well", she had trouble saying good things about herself. "I can fix my own bike. I get good grades. I'm strong. I learned to be brave. Loyal." She left a big space "Stanford". It hit her, she was going to college, why should she be worrying so much when, on paper, things were going so well for her.

The only thing that wouldn't let her be completely happy was Emily and she needed to do something about it. It's true, she loved her. More than she thought she could ever love anyone. She had helped her a lot with her coming out, with coming to terms with herself. Or had she? "I really loved her, I was trying so hard and she dumped me because I wouldn't come out right then and there, she didn't give me time, she wasn't patient with me and she flirted with other girls right in front of me" She tried to think of anything that would make her stop loving Emily. She needed to stop loving her. "She made out with some boy while we were dating and she almost got me killed and then she didn't even go to see if I was alright, she wanted to make sure her friends were fine, but me? Fuck me!" She knew that wasn't right, she went too far and she felt awful for even pretending to think that. Her relationship with Emily didn't start on the right note, she was so angry she didn't know what she was doing, she was so confused and hated herself so much… Paige never forgave herself for what happened that day at the pool "I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to her for it. Nothing she ever do to me will be as bad." Of course Paige wasn't trying to drown Emily, but she felt sick every time she thought of hurting, even a little bit, someone she loved so much. And she was on that state of mind again, she tried to convince herself a different way. "Emily is too good for me, I need to stop trying to get her back, she deserves some one better, anyone who is not me. No one will ever love her as much as I do. But that doesn't really mean anything if I can't make her happy. And she deserves to be happy with someone who will never, ever hurt her."

That was it, she needed to stop. She knew she wasn't perfect, but she wasn't that horrible either, she was something she kept forgetting. She was a person. She needed to be just that. A person. Someone independent, she needed her own world, she had it. She needed to remember that and think about herself and what was best for her. She looked out of the window and saw that it was dark outside; she hadn't eaten since she attempted to have breakfast and was feeling hungry, which was good. That meant she was feeling better. She went downstairs to the kitchen to fix something to eat and saw her phone sitting on the counter. She had been so preoccupied she had forgotten all about it. A couple of messages from classmates and team mates, _Where are you? Are you feeling ok?_ And a voicemail. She listened to it. And only heard the only thing that wasn't said.

"Emily loves me?" And just like that she was half a person again.

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This is my first try at fanfiction, so let me know what you think


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